i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
