I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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