Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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