am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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