i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
