Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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