i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
