last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
high people should be assigned attendants
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
