Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
