I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
