have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize
