OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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