Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
