Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
