I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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