She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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