i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
