just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
