I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The power of my boobs compel you
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
