i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
