im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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