this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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