What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
