nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize