wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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