Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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