Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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