Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
