yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
