we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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