My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
