i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
