I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
