I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
