the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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