If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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