just come out here and I will go home with you...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
