he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
