i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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