my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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