Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
