glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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