I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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