his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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