I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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