Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
