I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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