He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
