Me. At least after what I've been through.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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