Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
