I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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