he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
God, I missed his penis.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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