**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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