How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
