We're facebook friends in real life
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
