If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
