dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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