She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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