she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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