if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
