i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
