i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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