Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
