your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
